Frail Grasp on the Big Picture
by bjxmas
Summary: 3.11 Mystery Spot tag. Three POVs. They say there is clarity in dying. That in that split second between life and death you understand. The universe opens up and the world makes sense as the planets align and order is restored. I say that’s a load of crap
1. Clarity

_Mystery Spot__ tag. More reflections on an intriguing episode. Any and all comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading, B.J. _

Frail Grasp on the Big Picture

Chapter One - Clarity

They say there is clarity in dying. That in that split second between life and death you understand. The universe opens up and the world finally makes sense as the planets align and order is restored, and then all your questions are answered in the order in which there were received... I say that's a load of crap. I mean, who the hell comes up with this shit? Like anyone has ever _truly_ come back and given a report? Well, at least not until now. _I am_ back from the dead… yet again. And I swear, if you mention a cockroach, I will shoot your ass full of rock salt!

I sure as hell don't remember getting any answers, at least not in the first hundred times. That's right, I said a hundred, and I don't remember learning a goddamn thing. And you can forget about the white light… didn't happen. My brother was right there watching me die over and over again, and he sure didn't get any words of wisdom outta me. Not once. All he got was death and pain, and then a bad version of Groundhog Day and I was back so we could turn around and do the whole damn thing all over again. No wonder the dude was flipping out!

Maybe we did learn something here. That some days you should just stay in bed. Yeah, right! You don't think we tried that? On this Tuesday, for me… didn't help. Nope, the roof collapsed... the motel burned down... heart attack.., and I don't wanna hear any I-told-you-so's about the cholesterol. I like my bacon, so give it a rest.

We tried every possible scenario and still I died. Maybe it's just my destiny… and I don't believe in that crap either. Poor Sammy though. Can you imagine living through that? Seeing the most important person in your life, your only living kin, _die_, again and again and again _and…_ well, you get the idea. Watching Sammy die once was certainly enough for me, but then I'm a quick study.

Turns out a trickster was involved. Said he was trying to teach Sam a lesson. Huh. Interesting. Sammy's a bright boy, a freakin' genius if you ask some, and he don't get it. _Doesn't _get it. Really, does it matter at this point? Some people sure get caught up in minor details. OCD much?

Maybe that's the point? That I'm just one of the details. Small fry… short stack… one small part of the big picture. That whether I live or die doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm not so sure I like that theory. Not that my self-esteem is that high anyway, as everyone including myself keep wanting to point out, but it is a bit harsh, don'tcha think?

No, I'd like to think that maybe it means that order will be restored in its own time. We keep focusing on saving me from my demon deal and maybe it's not our place to save me. Maybe that's already being taken care of by some higher power, some greater good. No, I don't believe in angels or a higher power either, so yeah, I know, I'm grasping at straws here and quite possibly delusional. But it wouldn't be the first time I've been saved from the reaper. In fact, I'm kinda going for the record here.

So, here we are. Another Tuesday and we're just waiting around for me to die. Wonder how it's gonna happen this time? I still think being hit by a car had to be way cool. Glad I wasn't around though for the other part… if I wasn't dead, I woulda been majorly embarrassed, definitely not cool… but all things considered, not exactly the end of the world, and totally natural and to be expected. I mean, if I knew ahead of time, I could always go with the pad… God!.., _Depends_? What's this world coming to? With my life, I _never_ figured I'd live to that point. I wasn't exactly counting on making it to the old-age home.

So, here's the thing. Even if we make it out of this time loop, I'm still gonna die in less than a year. I know, it sucks, but I've kinda gotten used to the idea, not that you ever _really_ get used to it. Still, I gotta say, it is harder now that I've admitted I want to live.

So, if you were in my situation, what would you be doing with your final days? Making out your last will and testament? Checking off that final to-do list? Writing sad poems and crying on your brother's shoulder? Or would you be sacrificing your final months to do some good in this world? To make a difference? To save a few lives? Maybe kill some evil sons of bitches and raise a little hell?

We're Winchesters and if you've ever heard of us, you know what I'll be doing this last year. Yeah, right, well, there was _that_… it _is_ every guy's fantasy, after all. I figured I might as well take advantage of that 'dying wish' thing. I gotta admit, it _was _pretty wild, even by my standards. Truth is it was only a diversion. Even I know sex only goes so far. It was worth it just to see Sammy's reaction. Gotta say, little brother surprised me. Of course, his newfound tolerance didn't last long before he was calling me on my attitude and harping on me to want to live. _Same old Sammy. _ It took him awhile to get through this thick skull of mine… you know, wade through the muck of all my _issues_. But Sammy's always had a way of getting through to me when no one else could. To be honest, I'd do anything for my brother, but I guess you know that.

I _do_ want to live. Truth is I always wanted to live. I was just afraid for Sammy. Couldn't risk losing him all over again. This certainly is a twisted case of déjà vu here… no denying that, regardless of what Sammy thinks. Sorry, bro, I know it must be tough waking up every morning to another Tuesday knowing I'm gonna croak before the day's over.

Anyway, I finally admitted to myself and Sammy that I wanted to live and I don't want to go to Hell, and of course, Sammy just said, "alright, we'll find a way to save you"… but maybe we can't, maybe it is out of our control. Could be a deal's a deal, ain't no way around it. Face it, we did everything we could possibly think of to keep me alive until Wednesday and still I died. I think someone's trying to tell us something. Not to be dense, but it is kinda obvious. The problem is, I'm not sure what.

I guess maybe all we've got here are questions… too many of 'em and not near enough answers. I really hope if I do die that final time, it is true. I hope the universe does open up and give up all those eternal questions I've been dying to know the answers to like "Who left the cap off the freakin' toothpaste?" and "Whose turn to take the garbage out?". Yeah, there's a lot of important stuff to figure out before you bite the big one.

I guess there are just too many questions and too little time, and I'm tired… Sammy's sure tired… been a long day. And it's just the same old, same old, _literally_. All I know at this point is if this is what we have to look forward to with reincarnation, I think I'll pass. Once is more than enough.

- Dean Winchester as told to bjxmas February, 2008

TBC with Sammy's commentary

clar·i·ty –noun 1. clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.

—_Synonyms _1 intelligibility, exactness, simplicity.

_Yeah, right! _

All standard disclaimers apply.

Title and eternal questions from the Eagles.

_Kripke, what are you doing to us? Are you trying to drive us insane with our ponderings? I have to admit though, I do love a show that makes you think, even if it does roust me out of bed at three in the morning to jot down my musings._


	2. Control

Chapter Two – Control

_Frail grasp on the big picture  
Light fading and the fog is getting thicker  
Frail grasp on the big picture  
Dark Ages _

– Don Henley & Glenn Frey

--

I've just lived through the worst moment of my life, and considering our lives, that's saying a hell of a lot. The thing is, I didn't just live through it once; no.., once is never enough for us Winchesters. I had to relive the worst moment of my life over and over and over and over again. Over a hundred times… Yeah, I know, that's impossible. Welcome to my world.

I've been terrified of losing my brother ever since I found out about his crossroads deal. It's been this heavy weight pressing on my lungs, making each breath painful and strained, pushing me to my breaking point and beyond. My only thought was Dean, and how I had to save him. I just couldn't accept losing my big brother, and what my life would be like with him gone.

Well, now I know.

Like the trickster said, "Like it or not, this is what life's gonna be like without him."

I didn't like it, not at all.

I didn't like being all alone like that… and believe me, it wasn't about being _alone.._, it was being without _Dean._ Funny, it was always Dean who worried about being the last man standing. Fearful he'd be the one who had to bury Dad and me. _Funny,_ yeah, right.., this has been a barrel of laughs, a regular dance party.

Guess that's why he made the deal in the first place. I understand now… I still can't accept it, but I finally understand. He just couldn't stand the thought of _me _dying and leaving _him _all alone. So he went and did the same thing to me. So now he was the one leaving, and I got to stay here in this crap hole of a world all alone. _Selfish bastard._ He always said I was stronger than him, that I'd be alright on my own.

Guess I proved him wrong.

Back when I finally got tired of all his macho, bullshit attitude and never-ending list of 'dying wishes' and confronted him, you know what he had to say for himself? That he was _okay_ with it… _being selfish_… said he was entitled, he'd earned it, after all he's done for our family… he'd freakin' _earned_ it. There's no denying he's taken care of me and our family time and time again, and he deserves credit for that, but he certainly never earned a place in Hell. That's the last thing Dean would ever deserve.

I just wanted him to _want _to live… to not give up… _to fight_.

After months of pleading I finally got him to admit it. I don't know what went on when that dreamwalker was poking around in his head, but I know something must have happened 'cause Dean suddenly got quiet and then he said it. He said he didn't want to die; he didn't want to go to Hell.

God, how I'd waited to hear those words, to see that glimmer of hope back in his eyes. All I could think of then was _good, this is real good… _first step accomplished; now I just need to find a way to save him.

Easier said than done. This is a deal with a _demon_, and we don't even know who holds the contract, let alone the price to buy it out. IF there is a price… OR a way out.

So here we are. Back to the worst moment of my life.

I just watched Dean die over a hundred times. _Well over_ a hundred. So many times I lost count. Hard to believe he could come up with that many ways to die; but then again, Dean always was inventive.

The worst times had to be the first and the last. God, I can't believe I just said that… Okay… just give me a minute here… I've got to get this out while I can still talk 'cause I'm still shaking, still not believing what actually happened. Maybe if I talk about it things will finally make sense… _Maybe… _

The first time Dean died in my arms I didn't know. I didn't understand what was happening. I thought I'd really lost him and it was too soon… My mind screamed out, _not like this… I'm not ready._ My heart shattered from the pain and it was so intense, but somehow dreamlike, unreal, impossible, and I couldn't grasp the concept… It was wrong... so freakin' wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen like that… It wasn't supposed to happen this soon… so it didn't.

It actually turned into my worst nightmare then 'cause the next thing I knew I was waking up back at the motel and there was Dean rocking out to Asia and joking around like this wasn't the day he was going to die. I guess that's how it should be. Most don't know the actual day they'll die. Maybe there's a reason for that.

We're Winchesters though. We're not _most_ people. We can handle anything and often do… just another day in the life. Dean thought he knew the exact day he would die; we both did. He was destined to die the day his demon deal came due, the day with the big red X marked on the day planner.

But that's not how this was going down, the timetable had inexplicably shifted and now I was the only one who knew. Who had to face that horror again and again and again when my ears were assaulted as the radio flipped on and my eyes flashed on him sitting there on the next bed casually lacing up his boots.

Every morning when the day rewound, I again had to face this was Dean's day to die. Every day I had to break the news to him, explain it all over again, and every day he laughed and tried to make light of it until he got that concerned look on his face like he always gets when he turns into big-brother-protector.

_I still think you're nuts, but whatever this is, we'll figure it out. _

He was comforting… _comforting me_. Telling _me_ that we'd make it right. We'd find the answer, just like we always do.

Dean can be a goofball, totally irreverent and cocky, but when I started flipping out, scared out of my mind, he'd change… become this caring, sensitive, supportive guy who oozed confidence. That's when he'd give me the look. That reassuring look that simply said _I don't understand what's happening, but I'm right here with you, bro. _

And he was…

And then he wasn't.

Around the hundredth time, I thought I couldn't go on. I really did. I thought this is it. _The End._ But Dean was right there beside me, bolstering my spirits, picking me up off the floor when I'd lost all hope, telling _me _that we'd make it to Wednesday… _somehow._ Never once doubting that it would be okay.

It was Dean that kept me going. Truth is it's always been Dean that kept me going.

_You see if you and I decide that I am not gonna die… I'm not gonna die._

I knew then that it was going to be alright. Dean would make it right.

And then he choked to death on a link of sausage… _sausage, _of all things. And he doesn't even _like_ sausage that much. He's always been a bacon man. A man should eat what a man likes… 'cause you just never know…

What scares me the most now is I can't stop it. I.. CAN'T.. STOP.. IT.. no matter what I do. Everything I try… all our best-laid plans… all the research… all Dad's contacts… all the desperate, last-shot-Hail-Mary throws at the buzzer… _everything_ we try… and _nothing_ works… I told him I'd save him. After he finally admitted he _wanted_ to live, I said we'd find a way out together, but _nothing_ works. I've tried… I just tried over a hundred times and still he died, every last, freakin' time. Every Tuesday, over and over and over and over again.

I can't keep doing this… _I can't_. I'm not that strong… I never was.

I have to save him. _I have to._ I can't lose him, not like this… not to this… not to _Hell_. I won't. So here we are in this shit-hole town that we never should have come to in the first place and it's happening. But it's too soon, and I'm not ready. Truth is I'll never be ready for this.

He can't die, not today, not like this. Dean said we shoulda been chasing down Bela and he was right. Why didn't I listen? Dean saw right through this Mystery Spot tourist trap. Knew it was a fraud from the start, but it sucked me right in. I mean, this time loop, it had to be coming from somewhere, right? And that was the only strange thing in town, or so we thought.

So I tore it apart, torched it, and still my brother died, every Tuesday like clockwork. Once by my own hand. God, that was bad, his blood on my hands, literally.

It didn't matter what.. I.. did.., he just kept dying and then I'd wake up to face another day knowing Dean was again going to die. Amazing there are that many ways to die. Leave it to Dean to come up with the most bizarre, totally improbable last-act swan songs. He started joking that he was Wile E. Coyote, invincible and immortal since he sprung back to life every morning like a Saturday morning cartoon. Don't I wish.

Every time I looked into his vacant eyes as the life drained from his broken body a piece of me died with him, so when he finally died on that Wednesday for real… there was nothing left. I was dead too. Oh, I was still breathing… barely. Still moving… like a zombie. Hunting… killing… _existing_… but just barely. Just going through the motions.

Without a doubt, the last time Dean died was the hardest. It wasn't supposed to happen. We'd finally made it through Tuesday and he was safe. It was Wednesday… the day _after_ Dean died. We did it! The Winchester brothers beat death yet again. _Dean was safe._

_Safe_… yeah, right.

Dean died in an empty parking lot in a senseless, random act of violence. I held him in my arms and watched the light in his eyes go out, just flicker away to nothing. I saw the life drain from his limp body as his blood pooled beneath him on the wet pavement. I felt the last, faint beat of his heart as he finally surrendered to the inevitable. Still, I refused to let him go. I held my brother until his body turned cold while I prayed for a miracle. I closed my eyes and waited for the day to rewind.

_I'm supposed to wake up._

I waited and waited and nothing. Hope finally abandoning us.

The sky turned dark and the air blew cold… and the world continued to turn. Children were riding their bikes down the sidewalk, smiling and laughing, and tooting on their squeaky little horns.., while my brother lay dead in a puddle of dirty water…

Dean.. was.. dead… _really dead_.

There was nothing left. Nothing to live for.., no _one_ to live for… _nothing_ but revenge, killing and destroying. I hardened my heart to the pain, and closed myself off from the reality. The mayhem I created unable to affect me. Nothing could touch me once Dean died.

My brother was dead. Nothing else in the world mattered.

With Dean gone I was a shadow of who I had once been, slipping into the shadows that had chased us our entire lives and finally disappearing, every glimmer of good bled out of me along with Dean's blood. I felt myself descending into that black hole where there is no humanity, and I couldn't stop it 'cause I didn't care. I.. just.. didn't.. care.. The darkness claimed me, and it didn't matter, _nothing_ mattered 'cause Dean was gone. _What difference? _

So I did the only thing I knew, I killed evil. All the evil sons of bitches I could find, but it didn't help. Not like Dean always claimed it did. Saving people was just a side effect for me, not like when my brother hunted. Dean wanted and needed to save people so he felt like he mattered, that there was a reason why our lives were screwed to hell. With him by my side, I thought so too. The years we spent together out on the road hunting, I did feel like we were making a difference, accomplishing some greater good. I felt then that we had a purpose.

Now I killed because I had a fire in my gut I couldn't extinguish. I killed because I needed to see something die. If I couldn't die myself then at least I could take out every evil bastard that ever roamed this earth. I kept hoping it would be enough to dull the pain, but it never did. Nothing could put out this fire. Nothing could soothe the savage beast I'd become.

Dean always promised he'd save me, if it was the last thing he ever did, _he'd save me…_ but he can't save me if he's not here. He died before he could finish that last job. All Hell is breaking loose and evil is descending on the world and there will be no one to stop it, or care.., because my brother is dead. And I'm lost… another victim to the darkness.

He can't save me 'cause I couldn't save him.

The trickster said there was a lesson in this for me. That this wasn't about Dean dying. This was about me. God, why does everything have to be so damn complicated? CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN? I don't understand. I just _don't._ Why do we have to suffer? Why do we have to sacrifice everything? Why are we expected to save the world when I can't even save my own brother? Why should we have to? Don't we deserve a rest? Don't we deserve _something?_

The trickster said we'd never learn anything until we stop sacrificing ourselves for each other. But that's all we have, all we've ever had… _each other_. That's the only thing that makes sense in all of this… stay together, keep each other safe, watch your brother's back… the Winchester brothers _together_. Without Dean, there's nothing… _I'm_ nothing. Not good for anything except killing evil. I can finally see the truth in that. So damn you to hell, you sick, twisted god, if you think I will _ever _give up on my brother.

The trickster said Dean was my weakness. He said the bad guys knew it, and would use it. But that's not true, that's only one small piece of the big picture. Dean is my strength, always has been. Dean is everything.

He said Dean would be the death of me. Well, I guess I proved that's true… without Dean I am dead.

If the opportunity presents itself I'd do anything to have Dean back… _anything_. Killing an innocent to save Dean… not a problem. I mean.., I don't like it.., don't want to have to do it.., but would I? _Yes._ No question. Maybe that means I've lost my soul, maybe I am letting the darkside finally take me, but I.. don't.. care… not if it means I can get Dean back, that's all that matters. Dean has to live, otherwise what's the point?

The trickster says it's out of my control. NO! I won't accept that. I HAVE to save Dean… I have to. But, if I can't… if it truly is out of my control then won't _someone_ save him? Please… We've already given so much, _sacrificed_ so much. Please… just give me my brother back. I'll never ask for anything else ever again. Just please… _please._

You know what hurt me the most in all of this? What scorched my insides black? Every time Bobby called it was like a red-hot poker gouging into my gut. I know he was only concerned, he _is_ family, but he's not _Dean._ Every damn time the phone rang I thought it'd be Dean on the other end until the reality slammed me back against that brick wall and I knew it wasn't, it couldn't be.., and it never would be again.

_Every single time_ I heard Bobby say Sam, my heart lurched and that wad of desperate hope stuck in my throat, wishing it was my brother's growling voice on the other end of the line with that cocky smirk in his tone and the gleam of his eyes registering through that low, mellow voice as he started into one of his brotherly teases, whispering the one word I'd always long to hear… _Sammy._

- Sam Winchester as told to bjxmas March 2008

TBC

con·trol -

verb – 1 to exercise restraint; dominate; command.

2. to hold in check; curb: to control one's emotions.

noun 6. the power of controlling; domination or command: _Who's in control here?_

8. check or restraint: His anger is under control.

—Synonyms 1. manage, govern, reign, rule. 2. restrain, bridle, constrain, master

_Sammy, you break my heart, kid!_

All standard disclaimers apply.

---

_Comments always appreciated. I hope I captured Sam in some small way. I always feel more confident writing Dean. Sammy isn't usually as talkative with me, but I do feel like he and I are starting to understand each other better._

_One more chapter to go. Thanks for reading, B.J._


	3. Chaos

_Well ain't it a shame 'bout our short little memory.  
We never seem to learn the lessons of history. _

_We keep making the same mistakes - over and over and over and over again.  
And then we wonder why we're in the shape we're in. _

_- _Frail Grasp on the Big Picture - The Eagles

Chapter Three – Chaos

Over a hundred Tuesdays and it was Dean who finally cracked the case, _Dean_ that changed the pattern. Like he said, "A hundred Tuesdays and you never bothered to check what she was holding in her hands?" Sloppy, Sammy.., lackluster. After that, all it took was a simple choice of strawberry syrup instead of the usual maple and you finally caught on.

About time…

You surprise me, Sammy. For being the brains of the outfit, you have a nasty habit of letting your heart get the best of you, leading you around by those tender heartstrings.

You can't do that in war, Sam… It'll be the death of you. When are you going to learn that? The demons are gonna pluck those heartstrings and leave you dangling. Wait and see.

Quite frankly, I was relieved you finally got it and stopped the loop. I mean it _was _getting old… I gotta say though, Dean sure does die well. But once we passed that milestone of a hundred even _I_ got bored. And you… even _you _were getting a little blasé about the whole Dean-is-dead-woe-is-me dealio.

And remember how you claimed that first morning if you heard Asia playing _Heat of the Moment_ one more time, you'd blow your brains out? Liar! Nope, you couldn't do it, could you, Sammy? But boy o' boy, Dean sure could… number seventy-eight, quite memorable actually. On a scale of one to ten, that one was _definitely_ an eleven! Right, Nigel? Great splat factor… The wall looked like a big-ol' Rorschach ink blot, tainted bloody red.

Me, well, I thought it was definitely a fat, horny toad.

So, how's about you, Sammy? You getting any art-class 101 vibes? Grandma Moses or Grant Woods?

Guess artistic ain't in Dean's repertoire, is it?

What's the matter, Sammy? I little too déjà vu, Max-Milleresque for ya?

I get it, but _really_, Sammy… after all those times, you need to move past it. Just get on with it… buck up and be a man… it's what Dean would do. Wouldn't he?

Sammy… Hey, _Sammy!_

You with me here? Pay attention!

Let's recap, shall we?

Turns out the guy you came here to find was the key after all. Who'da thunk?

You just couldn't figure it out though, could ya?

Dexter Hassleback.., the pompous smuck. An arrogant, full-of-himself debunker of strange occurrences who oddly enough just _happened_ to end up in a wormhole, and once again it was Dean who noted how poetic it all was. How he got his just deserts.

Insightful as always, that Dean.

It took you a hell of a long time to finally get it, Sammy. Why _is _that? Why is it always _Dean_ that figures out these things? You sure you're the brains? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, I'm just not seein' it.

But I guess you've always depended on Dean now, haven't you? _Little brother syndrome… _Always had big brother to get your back.., clean up your messes.., wipe your runny nose… amongst other things.

Always big brother looking out for ya, right?

Well.., things are gonna change, buddy boy… They already have.

You just don't get it, do ya?

This is _so _not about killing Dean. This joke.., this joke is on _you,_ Sam.

Watching your brother die… every day… _forever._

How long will it take you to realize… you can't save Dean.

No matter what.

You need to stand on your own two feet now, Bucko. Cut those apron-strings and head out on your own.

Maybe _that's _the lesson in all this... No more depending on Dean, 'cause big brother ain't gonna be there. Nope. Sold his soul.., goin' bye-bye.., mortgaged the family farm.., takin' a little side-trip.., off on the big ride.., making his final curtain call...

I miss any cute little euphemisms you're particularly fond of?

Maybe you just needed a little reminder of what's to come, and how it's gonna feel…

Just what your life's gonna be like with him gone.

Well, Sammy… this is it. Lonely.., Cold.., Empty…

A thousand nights and more of solitary motel rooms. Oh, you can waste money on a room with two beds, fix a plate of food that grows cold waiting for him to never eat it, keep his full tube of toothpaste on the bathroom counter, but that's not gonna mean he's there.

Nope, it's just your mind playin' tricks on you if you think he's _ever_ gonna be there again.

Dean's _gone._ The flowers have long since wilted, and baby, baby… that sweet, _sweet_, badass Impala is all yours.

Lucky you…

Nice fix for the trunk, by the way. All efficient and tidy, just like Big Daddy. Dean always was a tad messy, wasn't he? In life.., in death... Guess he just got used to making do, living with the less than perfect circumstances of his life. He knew better than to think he could control the world, let alone his surroundings.., least of all his life.

He knew the score.

He saw that fantasy burn up when he was just a wee lad. Back when he witnessed his perfect life extinguished in the flash of the flames, consumed in a fireball that killed Mommy and fueled the change in dear, old Dad. Dean grew up fast back then… He saw the evil in the world and he knew he'd never beat it. Knew it was a done deal. He knew he didn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell of living normal.

So tragic really, that little boy watching Daddy die all those years back, just shrivel away to a shell of the man he used to be.

_That_ was Dean's reality.

Now _you_… you only knew what your life _was…_ And you hated it, didn't you? Just couldn't wait to run away. But then you never had to face the pain of what used to be… what was lost back then. _Mom…_ ye barely knew her. Why you, Sammy… you simply focused on building yourself a new life, a better life.., that perfect, normal existence far away from the pain. Far, far away from your twisted family and your screwed up childhood.

Dean, he had to live with the truth… all those nasty memories. All the hurts of "what would never be" when all he had left was "what is", a pathetic excuse for what he once had. But he survived it, didn't he? And he never asked for anything more. He knew what to expect from the world. He certainly knew what _not _to expect. He knew hope didn't exist. All his hope went up in smoke that night… except for _you,_ Sammy.

He raced out of that burning house holding tight to his baby brother and he never let go.

Did he?

He couldn't.

_Sammy _was all that mattered. All Dean ever had. All he ever needed after everything else was ripped away.

Poor, pathetic Dean… clinging to you… _suffocating you._

Tell me… tell the truth, now. Hasn't he been an albatross around your neck? Didn't all his neediness get old? So very tiresome?

Except of course when _you_ needed _him_.

He's always been your fail-safe, hasn't he?

You always thought you'd have him as back-up, didn't you? Your own personal safety net. Always standing in the shadows just waiting for you to call out to him, whenever you wanted him, _needed_ him. There to protect you like he always did; that is, as long as it suited _you._

As annoying as he was, he _was_ the big, bad protector, wasn't he?

Funny how life changes.

I kept waiting for you to crack, finally break down when he died that last time. Just fracture into a million tiny pieces, but not our Sammy. NOPE! No, siree… Oh, you Winchesters… always _so_ unpredictable. So very random.

Just another crazy guy acting out. You go a little postal there, Sammy?

You turned into Rambo, didn't ya? Killing, maiming, destroying… turning everything around you to ash. A freakin' killing machine armed with a container of salt, a gallon of gas, and a lit match.

Whoever said Dean was the dysfunctional one never saw _you_ with a sharp object in your hands… or a shotgun or machine gun. My, my, Sammy… you certainly figured out pretty quickly who your new best friend was, huh? All those weapons in the trunk.., just another tool to do your dirty work? The more explosive the better?

The Big Bang?

Fireworks like the Fourth of July.

It certainly _was_ a beautiful sight… if you go for that sort of thing.

Bruce and Mel got nothin' on you, dude.

So, I'm just curious… is _that_ what you meant when you said you needed to be more like Dean? You needed to _become_ Dean? Is that what you really think of big brother? You think Dean's just a killing machine? No moral compass? No compassion? No humanity?

Really? I mean, _really?_ You sure about that, Sammy?

Remember what Dean noticed?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, very intuitive that Dean. What was that thing he was always worried about since you came back?

Yeah, right! That pesky little question nagging at him and making him constantly ask if you were feeling okay.

_You seem less and less worried about offing people, it used to eat you up inside. _

Operative words being _used to… _Yep, you've sure changed, Sammy. Not the sweet, innocent little boy Dean used to know.

Not anymore.

Cold.., ruthless.., _deadly._

What _would _big brother think about recent developments? Huh? He always did have a glorified picture of you. Saint Sammy… the _good_ brother. He put you on that pedestal and worshipped at your feet. Didn't he?

_You go on about the sanctity of life and all that crap… It's just what you're supposed to do… _

Thought you were more noble, more heroic, that shining example of _good_, a white knight out to save the world. Guess the white cape's gotten a bit sullied now. You get a little tipsy and fall off your steed there, Bucko?

So whatcha think, Sammy? Do ya think he's watching? From, y'know, _Hell?_ Ever wonder if he's disappointed in you? You think he's had pause to reconsider? Regret his rash move? Maybe after seeing the _real _Sammy… Well.., do you think Dean would still make that deal? Knowing how you turned out? You think he'd still want to give it all up for _you?_ Shuffle off to Hell and leave the world in your sloppy hands?

Saddle the world with your sorry ass?

Oy, poor, poor pitiful Dean… sacrificed his life and soul for _this?_ For _you? _

How about we consider the facts now, shall we?

Brother to brother… or… _god_ to peasant… or _whatever. _

Back at the police station, who was it that said no to sacrificing that sweet, little virgin, Nancy? Who stood up for humanity? You? Nope, don't think so.

Tsk, tsk, Sammy.

Were you really willing to sacrifice Nancy if it meant saving your brother? So you wouldn't have to watch _him_ die?

Or was it more noble? More grand? Was it _really_ for all the others? You gonna justify it by logistics? One in exchange for the many?

Moment of truth now, Sammy, which was it?

And now… _here…_ Were you honestly willing to kill an innocent and drain a gallon of their blood? _Really?_ Why? To save Dean?

Regardless of the cost?

_I thought you'd back down from killing a man._

But you didn't, did you? Man, woman… it didn't really matter to you, did it?

You were really gonna do it. Little Sammy killing an innocent to save his brother.

You think _Dean_ would've wanted that? You think he could live with another Marshall dying to give him life? You think he'd want another _Dad _heaped on his shoulders_?_

Do you honestly think he'd trade another life for his own?

Do you even _know_ your own brother, Sam?

Apparently not.

The only life Dean would _ever _surrender for another would be his own.

THAT he would do. Yes, indeedy.

Did do.

Didn't he?

And what'd he get in return?

Think he hit the jackpot? Beat the house?

No.., suppose not.

So, Sammy…

What are you gonna do to make it right?

If I gave you the chance. What would _you _do for him?

Would you die for him? Huh, Sammy?

Would you? Right _now_, this _minute.._, that's your choice. Will you do it?

Yeah, I thought so.

Are you even _listening _here?

What have I been saying about _that?_ Nothing _good_ comes from it… NOTHING! Just pain and blood and more corpses than you know what to do with. How much salt and lighter fluid you got? What's it gonna take to get through that thick skull of yours?

_But you can keep fighting, saving folk… but you need your brother. So, let me give him back to you._

What? You still remembering being out there on your own? Still living with that fear of what you'll become without Dean?

I thought so. You can't.. keep.. doing.. this.. Dean is _not_ everything… He is one man, that's all… nothing less and _nothing more_.

The world will keep on turning with or without him.

You can count on it.

That's the message here, Sammy.

Why can't you Winchesters get it? What is so goddamn difficult to understand? Why are you all so ready to throw yourselves down into the pit for each other?

Nothing good comes from it… only blood and pain.

_Blood and pain…_

How many times do I have to say it?

I'm done with it. Done with you.

This stopped being fun a long time ago. I thought you could learn… I thought _you_ were the smart one. Being smart means operating with your brain, not your heart, Sammy boy. Using the upstairs brain and doing the sensible thing.

Nancy was one person… _one._ Dean got his way and look what happened. Everyone in that police station died… every.. last.. one.. of them.., and for _what?_ So _Dean_ could be the big hero? So you could sleep at night with a clear conscience? Well, do you? I mean, they all died because of you.

So, how's that workin' for you? How you sleeping now?

There are _reasons_ why things happen, Sam. You can either learn or you can keep on making the same stupid mistakes. So what'll it be? Are you going to let Dean go and maybe, just _maybe_ save the _world?_ Or does everything end for one man?

C'mon, Sammy… is he really _that_ important?

Oh, god! And I _swear,_ if you say he _is_ that important to you, I am gonna scream…

Sam, there's a _lesson_ here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish, Cro-Magnon skull of yours.

This _obsession_ to save Dean, the way you two keep _sacrificing_ yourselves for each other. Nothing good comes out of it… just blood and pain.

_Blood and pain._

Dean's your weakness. The bad guys know it too.

He's gonna be the death of you, Sam.

Sometimes you just got to let people go.

_He's my brother._

Yep, and like it or not, this is what life's gonna be like without him.

_Please._

I swear it's like talking to a brick wall!

Okay, look, this all stopped being fun months ago. You're Travis Bickle in a skirt, pal. I'm over it.

_Meaning_ _what?_

Meaning, that's for me to know, and you to find out.

_*Snap!*_

---

Okay, Sammy, you won. I give.

Halleluiah for the good guys!

You got your brother back, so whatcha gonna do now? It's coming… it is _still _coming… that moment of truth for real… Dean's expiration date. So have you _learned_ anything here? Will you _sacrifice_ everything again, or will you let him go?

You _know_ it's true… you _have _to know that by now.

Sometimes you just have to let people go…

It's inevitable…

Destined.

It's life.

Control, Sammy… it's all an illusion. A freaking pretense you humans latch on to.

C'mere, let me tell ya a good one. You'll like this…

_Sometimes_ to hold on to something, you have to let it go.

Think about it… You get it? Huh, Sammy?

It's deep.., so take a minute to _really_ think about it.

It's like that funky saying they used to put on posters. If you love it, let it go and if it comes back to you, then you know it really was yours to start with… or somethin' sappy like that.

I know… _I swear_… these simpletons with their simple minds.

But in this case, Sammy… there's a grain of salt there.

You brave enough to do it? To _really _let him go?

_Dean was right._

What, Sammy? You sayin' something?

_I said Dean was right._

Right? About what? Come on, Mr. Talks-a-lot-emo-man, spit it out.

_About Nancy, about not sacrificing her. He was right._

Everyone _died…_ It don't matter what's _right._

_Yes.., it does. We did the right thing._

Sure didn't turn out so right now, did it?

_You can't control the outcome… all you can do is what's right._

_Interesting…_ you might be on to something there. What else ya got?

_What else?_

What other kernels of insight you got for me?

_That I need Dean, just like he needs me. Together… we need to do this together._

Same old song, Sammy… You been listening to anything I've said?

_It's the truth._

The truth, huh? According to who?

_It just is… we need each other. We're stronger together._

You're certainly stubborn, aren't you?

_I like to think I'm determined._

Touché.

_Dean and I, we __are__ going to do this… together._

Well, that's a start.

_A start to what?_

I already told ya, that's for me to know and you to find out.

_What the hell does that mean?_

Maybe I underestimated you.

_Underestimated me? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Can't you give a straight answer for once? Is Dean gonna live? Are we going to win?_

Lotta questions there, Sammy.

_So, how about some answers?_

I'll be seein' ya, Sammy.

_But…_

Sorry, Sammy… time's up. Don't do nothin' I wouldn't do.

_You can't just leave it at that! _

I can't? You forget who you're talking to, Bucko?

You got your brother back… It's outta my hands.

The rest is up to you...

_Why? Why'd you do it?_

Sammy.._,_ the big question is, did you _learn_ anything?

What's next in the game plan?

You best consider all the angles, Sammy.

Lotta choices to be made.

You be careful out there, and Sammy… make it count.

- The Trickster as told to bjxmas November 2008

cha·os –

noun - 1. a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.

2. any confused, disorderly mass

3. the infinity of space or formless matter supposed to have preceded the existence of the ordered universe.

—Synonyms 1. disarray, jumble, turmoil, tumult.

The End

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I actually wrote the original version of this chapter back in March and never posted it… hoping that something would make the situation clearer. Guess that's not happening anytime soon. So, Kripke.., what __is__ the answer? We're still waiting. _

_For my purposes I wrote this assuming the original order of the episodes, with Jus in Bello coming before Mystery Spot. _

_As always, reviews or comments would be much appreciated, especially if you've figured out the Trickster's master plan or would like to discuss it. I'd love to know what you think. Later, B.J._


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